


Still With Hope

by lillpon



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Family, Love and SupportTM because God knows they both need it, Mentions of Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:34:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22703260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lillpon/pseuds/lillpon
Summary: After a particularly nasty nightmare, Killian tries to distract himself by spending time with Hope.
Relationships: Captain Hook | Killian Jones/Emma Swan
Comments: 2
Kudos: 36





	Still With Hope

**Author's Note:**

> Shout-out to users Jollysailorswan and HollyeLeigh for their quick assistance! <3

There's the slightest sight of grey on the horizon when his eyes snap open.

His hand instinctively wraps around Emma's arm, which is still warm from resting under the blanket. She must have felt him shift around and wrapped herself around him.

He sighs, feeling a soft twinge in his heart. Even in deep sleep, she can feel his unrest and does her best to comfort him. It's the very thing that keeps him in bed, wanting to be there for her in case she has a nightmare herself, even though he itches to get up, walk around, do anything to distract himself from the thoughts and memories brought up by the nightmare.

_His one-eyed vision blurs from the pain but he still keeps his eye open as Hades paces around him._

_"I still see hope in your eyes... I would like that to be gone before you reach the water."_

He keeps his eyes on the window, focusing on the far-off view of the sea. He doesn't want to allow his mind to wander there... to connect the words of a years-old taunting with his daughter, but with nothing else to occupy his mind it is not an easy task.

As if on cue, he hears the sounds of Hope waking up. A vague, long "Aaahh" that will soon turn to screaming if he's not there in a few seconds. Swallowing his apprehension for Emma having a nightmare - she won't have one anyway if Hope's screams wake her up - he unwraps her from around him and stands up, rushing to his daughter's room.

Her upset face blooms into a wide smile as soon as she spots him. _Little rascal_ , he thinks and leans over her crib.

"Did we sleep well, love?"

She blurts out a sound and sits up, raising her arms in an ‘Up!' motion. He picks her up and without thinking, he embraces her tightly, forgetting how active she is as soon as she wakes up. She grunts in protest, now wiggling against him in a 'Down!' motion.

"It'll be a bit before you can walk down the stairs. Breakfast?"

As she drinks her morning milk, he puts her favourite fruits and some bran flakes into the blender, throwing glances behind him and reminding himself, every time, that it's Saturday and Curtis and Lenore will surely sleep in today. As will Emma, probably. They may not share blood, but their sleeping schedules sure do fit perfectly.

He only realizes how soon it still is when Hope is done with breakfast and the sun has just begun to rise. She'll want to play, and she's loud...

Within minutes, he's prepared both her and himself for a walk to the playground by the beach. She can play and be as loud as she wants, and he can walk out, breathe fresh air and let the sight of the sea calm him.

The playground is empty - not surprising so early in the morning. The single swing designed for babies is free, and Hope gets exclusive use of it. Her giggling as Killian swings her back and forth helps take his mind off the haunting sounds of his nightmare.

His Hope is not gone. She'll never be gone. She'll grow happy and loved and surrounded by family and friends, and even when she's old enough to take her own course in life, she'll always have a place in his heart and his thoughts.

As will his nightmares.

He swallows hard, barely holding in a desperate sound at the thought. Sometimes he still wonders if he's truly made peace with the fact that he will deal with what he went through for a long time in the future. Nightmares will keep coming - but so will the challenges of being a father of three. He's cut off alcohol for good, and a morning walk to the playground with his daughter is a much healthier escape, but how long can he deny to himself that this is exactly what it is? An escape?

He gasps in surprise when the intro of _Killing in the Name_ blasts from his phone, holding back the curse before it leaves his mouth in Hope's presence. He's gotta change that blasted ringtone, as much as he likes the song it's not the first time it scares him when it rings.

"Swan?"

"Where are you?"

"At the playground."

He hears her sigh. "Is Hope with you?"

"Aye. You were worried?"

"Killian, we live in Storybrooke. We're some of the first people the Monster of the Week would target. I woke up and my husband and baby daughter were gone, his side of the bed unmade, not a note in sight. Of _course_ I was worried!"

"I'm sorry, love. We were both up and she wanted to play, and she would've woken you up..."

"You didn't make the bed, you didn't leave a note..." He hears her take a deep breath then let it out in a sigh. "Never mind. It's alright."

"Emma, love-"

"It's okay. I was just worried, it's okay now."

_Bloody perfect._

Too tired to resolve the issue through the phone, he opts for a "See you at home."

"Okay. Good morning too. Love you."

"Love you too."

Hope is blowing raspberries when he hangs up and steps to the front of the swing.

"Come on, love. Mama's awake and can't wait to play with you."

Mentioning her mother or siblings is the only way to get her on the way back home without her protesting, he's found. Indeed, the walk back is calm, only interrupted by Hope's blabbering.

Emma's by the door as soon as he closes the fence gate, smiling broadly at them.

"Hey, baby," she says as she picks Hope up from the stroller. "Papa took you to the playground? You had fun?" Emma's face falls a bit, though, as she turns to him. "You alright?"

"Is it that obvious?" he says softly, dropping his head. "The kids?"

"Still sleeping. I'd give Curtis a bit longer too. Comics are more important than breakfast these days."

He follows her inside and to the living room, where she puts Hope down at her very own toy-filled corner and sits down with her. Seeing Emma like that, face glowing despite having woken up just a while ago... he could watch her forever. At least she could have that. She has her own nightmares, but spending time with her kids is nothing close to an "escape" to her.

"You're gonna tell me what's wrong or you're gonna stand there and be mysterious?" she says.

"I'm sorry I didn't leave a note."

"That's all?" She doesn't seem convinced. "I told you, it's alright. I had just woken up and my mind went nuts. You were in a hurry to leave?"

He shrugs, crossing his arms. "She was up, wanting to move around and play. I figured she would make too much noise and wake everyone up here."

She looks down at Hope. "Did you want to get out?"

Her tone is serious; she's read him already.

Sighing, he sits down next to them, facing Emma. "Nightmare. Pretty nasty this time, thought some air would do me good."

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

He closes his eyes, rubbing at his forehead. "Hades. It wasn't just the nightmare, it was what it reminded me of." He sighs again. "Emma, I needed to do something so much, to distract myself with something..."

"You took Hope out on a walk. The weather's great, she had her fun."

"I can't be using our children as an escape."

"You're not... 'using' them."

"But it's not about them. Every time I take Curtis on the Jolly Roger I think of the sea and how it calms me. When I took Lenore stargazing I thought of old memories of Liam teaching me about them. And today, it was about doing anything to not think of Hades, I didn't even think long enough to leave you a note. You were right, we are high on the list of potential victims by new villains."

"Well, we haven't had any in some time, don't you think?"

He doesn't respond. What could he say to that?

She takes his hand in hers. "I don't think your ship will ever stop reminding you of what the sea means to you. You've been on it longer than you've been with us, with me. Or the stars, or anything that means a lot to you. It doesn't mean you should feel bad for sharing those things with the kids."

"I shouldn't be the priority. It should be about them."

"Killian... we can't just abandon ourselves just because we have kids to look after. It's more of the opposite. You know, Archie talks to me a lot about how children can see when we have issues. Curtis sees it. Lenore may be a bit closed off still, but I guarantee you she'll see it too. If we hold back on our own healing it would impact them too."

He nods.

"But I'm not gonna play shrink here,” she adds. “Do you remember something _you_ told me, when we were looking to adopt Curtis?"

It strikes him suddenly; Emma couldn't sleep and she started crying, fearing how she only wanted to adopt to heal her own wound of never getting adopted.

"They'll know how strong we are."

"We are facing it. What hurt us, what we missed... and we do that with our family. You think it's an escape - but you're there for your kids. You're teaching them that it's with each other we can face it. And they'll know, when they grow up and get it, they'll know how much strength that took, and that we were with them, not despite our pain, but through it. It will inspire _them_." She leans in a bit further, leaning her forehead on his. "It's okay for them to know that even their parents are not perfect."

He closes his eyes, going back to his own words to her. This is a discussion they’ve had before many times, with both of them having been on the worrying side at least once. He knows healing is a process, and discussions like these will keep happening. But they _are_ discussing it, and he chooses to see the positive part of it.

"We've already made a lot of progress. And I know you don't want to think about it, but maybe their lives won't be perfect either.'

He squeezes her hand back; that's not a welcoming thought indeed.

"But with our example they'll know they can count on family... they'll know that's what family is for. That they don't need to face anything alone."

He swallows a sob. He would have welcomed having that way of thinking so many times in his lonely centuries. Emma wraps him in a hug, burying her fingers in his hair.

He was one who, as a child, thought of his father as a perfect man. He should know not to let his own children be blinded by the love they have for him.

This time he can't hold the sob back. _Love_. Curtis may not have told it yet, and Lenore doesn't tell them much anyway, and Hope is still too young... but he knows it, deep in his heart, that they all do love him. Despite-

No. It's all of him. His happy and his pained self. He's no lesser because of either or both.

"Mama. Papa."

They break the hug, only slightly, to let their youngest one in on the side.

"See?" Emma whispers. "She wants to be part of it. They all do." She kisses his cheek, then Hope's wild, red hair. "The least we can do is let them know we'd do the same for them."

Closing his eyes, he leaves a kiss on Emma's hair, holding them both tight.

It may take a bit; but he'll know it, one day, that he can't pretend to be perfect for their children. But being there for them, and making sure they know he is, that he can. And he will.


End file.
